No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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