if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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