So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
