my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
