there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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