You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
