Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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