Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
