How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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