The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My dick has a subreddit
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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