just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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