it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
