Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
