I wish I only lived at night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
