so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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