Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
