after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
