Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
