I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
