Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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