I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
