just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
