im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
