When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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