they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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