I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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