i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
