i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
