so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
