I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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