You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
