if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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