Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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