my phone needs a breathalizer
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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