i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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