If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
