I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
