apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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