just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
