Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
