Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
