If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
