What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
