Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
