im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Randomize
