ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
