Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
