Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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