Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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