You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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