great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
