mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
